I have found the most emotionally healthy way to follow Alabama politics is to view it as a form of absurdist performance art and dismiss to the back of one’s mind the fact that its actors have a tremendous influence on our lives.
We have quite the show on our hands with the current Alabama U.S. Senate race, with the most amusing performance being provided by Sen. Luther Strange and one of his opponents, Rep. Mo Brooks. About once or twice every week, I get an email from Strange or Brooks’ campaign trumpeting how much their man loves Donald Trump and how the other is a fair-weather friend at best or a fifth columnist at worst for not voting with the president enough, not ordering a sufficient amount of Trump steaks, etc.
To find out which candidate truly loves our president the most, I held this totally real forum with the candidates on board the Eagle’s news zeppelin recently.
Me: So which one of you loves the president the most?
Brooks: I love Trump so much that I got a tattoo of him on my lower back.
Strange: I’ll be getting a Trump tattoo just as soon as I get the Robert Bentley tattoo on my lower back laser-ed off.
Brooks: Well, I love our president so much that I snuck into Jeff Sessions’ office one night and put everything on the high shelf so he couldn’t reach it. That’ll teach that munchkin to recuse himself.
Strange: I think the president knows that if Jeff doesn’t work out as attorney general he can always appoint me and I’ll do as fine a job for him as I did for Alabently… I mean Robabama… I mean, well, you know.
Brooks: I’m sponsoring a bill to rename the popular White Russian cocktail the White Nothing To See Here.
Strange: Half-measures, old son. I’ve got a bill in committee that would make covfefe the new national bird.
Strange: I’m also having shin reduction surgery to lower my height to Trump’s, because I don’t think anyone should get to be taller than the president.
Strange: I tell ya, the president has some cool friends. Just last night Anthony Scaramucci gave me a new plasma TV. When I asked him where it came from, he said, “It fell off a truck, capiche?”
Brooks: I agree with you on that one, Big Luther. Did you know that even though John McCain voted against the health care repeal, just the other day I heard Scaramucci talking about sending him on a trip to Belize or having him fitted for a new pair of shoes. That sure was nice of him.
This isn’t some lefty Trump-bashing. I’d be making fun of Strange and Brooks even if we lived in some bizarro world where Clinton was president and they were trying to sidle up to her by massaging her wattles, teaching her to make realistic human expressions or allowing her to elevate her body heat during the winter months by curling up around warm rocks in their yards.
I’m not taking shots at ideology, I’m making fun of two grown men resorting to sycophancy and the lowest form of pandering to get elected. I can’t really say that the people deserve better, but it’d be nice if we somehow lucked up and got it anyway.
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